4:30pm. I powerwalk to the hospital bus stop even though the bus is always late.

Lady: Hey, is the bus going to be here soon?

Pauline: Should be any minute now. It's scheduled to hit the stop before us at 4:31, though it's usually a few minutes late.

Lady: You catch it every day, huh?

Pauline: Yep.

Lady: You a nurse?

Pauline: No, I'm a secretary over at that building down the block.

Lady: What's over there?

Pauline: A lot of government offices. Children & Youth, Aging, Mental Health...

Lady: Do they have any mental patients?

Pauline: Not anymore, they used to† but it was one of the things that got shut down, you know, with the budget and all.
†Not true. I think I got it mixed up with the seniors' home that used to be on the third floor.

Lady: *nods* You know, we're the minority in this city.

inner!angry!Pauline: ARE YOU SHITTING ME.
(secondary mental noise: You didn't even just say what I thought you said because-- augh-- what-- THAT'S NOT WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT AT ALL, what the hell does that have to do with anything I said, I DID NOT INVITE THAT SHIT I MUST HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD YOU)

Pauline: ...Hm.

Lady: You know, where I live on -whatever- Street, it's all Mexicans.

Pauline: *compresses lips, nods slowly and stares fixedly ahead*

Lady: I think there's only two or three businesses on the block that aren't, you know, owned by Mexicans.

Pauline: *compresses lips, nods slowly and stares fixedly ahead*

Lady: *after a while* Those big lights, is that the bus coming?

Pauline: WHY SO IT IS.

-----

On the bus, sitting far from Lady.

angry!Pauline: ...Wait a minute. What the fuck was that? You nodded? Is she supposed to think you agree with her?

Pauline: I didn't agree-nod! Shut up! Okay, I'm trying to read up on these feminism and racism rhetorics, but it's so complicated and I don't know what I'm doing, I'm not some kind of educator, I'm tired, it was a long day at work, and god, who gets into arguments at the goddamn bus stop?

angry!Pauline: Aww, poor baby has to unpack her knapsack, only the big girls get to call that shit. Tell me, if you don't know right from wrong, do you at least know up from down? Can you fucking dress yourself in the morning?

Pauline: Oh, god.

angry!Pauline: ...You know that it's better to make a less-than-perfect argument than to say nothing, right?

Pauline: Yeah, I know.

angry!Pauline: And why is that?

Pauline: Because silence is implicit agreement.

angry!Pauline: You know that conversation was massive fail on your part, right?

Pauline: Yeah, I know.

----------

Coda

angry!Pauline: So are you going to do better next time?

Pauline: ...I don't know. I hope so.

angry!Pauline: You don't fucking deserve me, you milquetoast, slump-shouldered, cowardly little office-fucking-lady. How long you gonna keep your mouth shut because you can't take the heat of some stranger you don't even fucking care about looking you in the eyes and not fucking liking you?

I admit, not my favorite thing in the world to post about. But I said I'd do it! I am currently at 167.5 lbs. Yes, I know that's a lot, but the truth is, I've been roughly this weight for years. My "freshman fifteen" were the jump from 160 to 165ish, and every now and then I'll gain two pounds, lose two pounds, and so on. Sadly, if I want to lose appreciable weight, I'll have to make a lifestyle change. Ewww.

Still, I have to admit that I'm on the teetering edge of normal weight according to the BMI (for whatever that's worth). Mom once suggested I get myself down to 150 lbs, and it's an idea I took out and dusted out loud. Fortunately, Matt was in earshot and gently asked me a question or two.

Matt: What's your target weight?
Me: Well, maybe 150?
Matt: Ok, when was the last time you weighed 150?
Me: Probably when I was in eighth gRAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It was good to hear the silliness out loud. I knew, but had forgotten to appreciate, that for me, getting in shape just isn't going to be about the numbers. Well, not that number. It's going to be about how many push-ups I can do, and how many sit-ups, and eventually, if I really hate myself, how many arm breakers. Eeeerghhh. I want this. I know I do. Just... in a St. Augustine kind of way. For all that he was a colossal douche.

Oh well. Baby steps. Let's see what I have to say next Tuesday (or Monday, if I remember).

Friday night was the Lacuna Coil concert. It was delicious, though I had admittedly little use for all the other bands, none of which I had even heard of before. Two of the bands I was willing to stand and listen to, but not follow up on, and the other... You know how, if you don't know a metal song, the lyrics are impossible to make out? Turns out Maylene and the Sons of Disaster is a Christian rock band. Thus dies a nascent interest.

(...I know! What the fuck! I was kind of digging the Southerncore thing they had going!)

Ahem. Anyway. Lacuna Coil was great, and listening to "Heaven's a Lie" live, from ten feet away, was the best present I've made to inner-high-school-me in a while. Also, uh. Cristina was really goddamn fuckable the entire time. Distractingly so.

My left ear rang for forty hours or so afterward. Sign of a successful concert. ^_^

Then, seeing as I wasn't going to NYAF (couldn't get the Friday off, then the concert came up anyway), I went and took a two-day class. Of awesome. Mirror-cutting, tile-placing, clay-working, cement-mixing, grouting awesome. Maybe someday I'll show off the fifteen-foot high, forty-foot long mosaic I made, bitches. ^_^

(...Well. With eighteen other students. And it's still far from finished; most of the grouting is yet to be done by the artist, or perhaps October's class. But you get the idea. XD )

And as for my left arm, it aches quite nicely from a day of holding a bucket filled with mirror shards and tiles, and a day of holding a bucket of wet concrete, respectively.

This dude. Word, hilarious man who put off his final anthropology project until he had no time left to write a paper and had to turn in something a bit more unconventional.

(Not exactly safe for work, but I watched it anyway with headphones. There's a bit of ass every now and then, and some agonized yelling. And cossacks shouting A-HA-HA-HA-HA! It's a pretty good time.)

Cap Garland died in a threshing machine accident. He was only twenty-six! Damn you, 19th century!

me: hey, what's dinner going to be?

Matt: how does chicken with a wine sauce sound?

me: would it allow us to go for a walk to the comic book store and the moon cakes first?

Matt's problem is that he is building his household with someone with the effective interests and priorities of an eleven-year-old. And me? Last night I came home from Otakon to a loaf of fresh-baked bread. Still hot. I don't have problems.

Yes, that's how we're celebrating LANDING ON THE MOON. Yes, we are celebrating it at all. Stay back, dork is catching.

So I am making a six hour-ish drive up to Boston on Friday afternoon. I need music! And since I still hope we'll go for that crazycakes endless setlist on expert one of these days (right right, Julia? ^_^ ), I am making a Rock Band playlist. Only problem is, uh. I have exactly nine of those songs.

So! Behold the endless setlist, minus the few I could scrounge up on my own hard drive. And if you have a couple of the tracks on here but are wondering how you would ever get them to me, may I direct you to sendspace? All you have to do is upload it (takes just a minute or two) and paste the link they give you into a comment here. Though email works too, it's this LJ username at gmail.

Danke! ^_^

The Konks- 29 Fingers
Weezer- Say It Ain't So
Nirvana- In Bloom
The Mother Hips- Time We Had
Mountain- Mississippi Queen
OK Go- Here It Goes Again
Anarchy Club- Blood Doll
The Pixies- Wave Of Mutilation
The Clash- Should I Stay Or Should I Go
Yeah Yeah Yeahs- Maps
The Rolling Stones- Gimme Shelter
Freezepop- Brainpower
Beastie Boys- Sabotage
Ramones- Blitzkrieg Bop
Hole- Celebrity Skin
Flyleaf- I'm So Sick
The Killers- When You Were Young
Bon Jovi- Wanted Dead Or Alive
Foo Fighters- Learn To Fly
Vagiant- Seven
R.E.M.- Orange Crush
The Hives- Main Offender
The Acro-Brats- Day Late, Dollar Short
Faith No More- Epic
Sweet- Ballroom Blitz
Fall Out Boy- Dead On Arrival
Bang Camaro- Pleasure (Pleasure)
Aerosmith- Train Kept A Rollin'
Jet- Are You Gonna Be My Girl
Black Sabbath- Paranoid
WTF- Timmy & The Lords Of The Underworld
Queens of the Stone Age- Go With The Flow
RHCP- Dani California
Crooked X- Nightmare
The Strokes- Reptilia
The New Pornographers- Electric Version
Stone Temple Pilots- Vasoline
Kiss- Detroit Rock City
Death of the Cool- Can't Let Go
The Police- Next To You
Smashing Pumpkins- Cherub Rock
Rush- Tom Sawyer
Metallica- Enter Sandman
The Outlaws- Green Grass And High Tides
Tribe- Outside
Deep Purple- Highway Star
Molly Hatchet- Flirtin' With Disaster
Honest Bob- I Get By
Iron Maiden- Run To The Hills

Oh yes, I moved the hell out of that life. Although I've had a nasty cold that's made me completely gross to live with and listen to, otherwise, things have gone downright weirdly well. I was only unemployed for a couple of weeks and change before picking up a job that's entirely acceptable except for the commute. I answer phones and (try to) solve problems for people recieving unemployment compensation; the day goes by but fast, and better yet, every problem is done (not necessarily solved, but at least over) as soon as the phone goes back in the cradle. My coworkers have been uniformly patient and great with me, and though, as one of the new hires, I was supposed to get stuck with the night shift (1pm to 9pm), my supervisors listened to my pleas and gave me nine to five. I even get weekends off! (As opposed to Saturdays and Wednesdays, which would kind of be hell on congoing.) Plus, as unprofessional as it is, I must admit that it is important to me that in my first job, I get to wear my combat boots, wallet chain, and jeans. No taking the high school out of the girl, I guess. And all this for $14.38 an hour, which is a damn sight more than anyone was prepared to pay me to type and do vaguely clerical things.

As for the commute, well. It's two and a half hours each way, on a good day. There's really no getting around that, but it is what it is. When there's sheets of ice and I have to trudge through sidewalk-less fields of snow to get home and cook dinner at eight at night, then I weep and gnash my teeth and swear on all that's unholy that I will obtain a car. Then the snow kind of melts, I find I actually enjoy riding the trains, the buses generally run on time (though even then there's never anything enjoyable about the buses), and I remember that I want to go to conventions this summer and Japan next year. So, well, you know how it goes.

Arisia was great this year. I dragged Julia to Mike's Vampire larp, and it wound up being a murder mystery, totally and completely up her alley. XD I bought another collar for myself, which kicks off a pleasing Arisia tradition that I firmly intend to uphold in the future. I got to OD on Rock Band again, which I really do miss, and Saturday night was... well. "Drunk" is a word that comes to mind. "Awesome," another. And "lap dance," while not techinically a word, was indeed pivotoal to the entire affair. That and dancing with Ian and Julia Kirk at once. Bwahahahaha. Why do I rock so hard.

Drunken debauchery aside (not really), of course going up and visiting puts a fine point on missing Boston, and especially the people in it. Sometimes I do wish I had made a better attempt at building a post-graduation life there. But at the time-- May, I mean-- I definetely needed to get out, and I didn't have the strength to try and stay. So, you know. To everything its opportunity cost.

Next weekend, after I've been up to Hoboken to wish my mother a happy birthday (ayep, on Saturday), Matthew will be coming down to Philadelphia for the long weekend, the Monday I have off. We'll stay in city center, and maybe even hit up a tourist trap or two. I cannot wait at all.

---

dimmer

Let's go for opposites here. When I walk out the door in the morning, there's a fine sprinkling of light in the air, just a little rose seasoning the dark blue, and by the time I get to the train station, the horizon is almost red, reaching up and shading to orange, to yellow, just below an ever-bluer sky.

I just noticed that oneword is back!

---

sigh

Sighing is not something I particularly enjoy doing anymore. It puts me on the spot and it labels me as that one with "attitude." Well, no more. I'm reclaiming my right to breathe. Don't I have an obligation to supply myself with oxygen? And let out this exasperation that's bursting me at the seams?

No, I haven't found a job yet, but what the hell, there comes a time. For me, christ knows, that time has been and passed. I'll be moving down on Saturday, January 3rd, and if you'd like to be there, I would most certainly appreciate your presence and ability to lift and carry. ^_^ (Besides, I will ruthlessly guilt-trip those whom I helped move as necessary.) Those who have doctor's notes, I would appreciate your general awesomeness and fun.

Well, as Julia has been ever so fond of reminding me, Christmas decorations are up and radios are blaring seasonal music, despite my inability to cope with more than one holiday at a time. And I have questions for you all!

First, is anyone here a Leo?

Second, I have Christmas cards for people. For once, I know! Or Christmas postcards. Whatever. The point is, I need your address, so kindly submit it in the screened comments below. YES, THIS MEANS YOU.

Also, if you have a gentle suggestion as to what I could get you, that certainly wouldn't hurt.

I haven't mentioned Prop 8 yet. So let me mention it.



"I welcome supporters of gay rights to snap your own photo showing your wedding ring on your middle finger. Spread the word that this fight isn’t over. Whether you’re gay, straight, bi, white, blue or tan — show your support by letting freedom ring on your blog then go here to log it for everyone to see!" - eatingoutloud

Obviously, I am not married. But I can appreciate that it takes some real malice, some truly subhuman pettiness and spite to still deny gay marriage in this day and age and goddamned new millenium. You have to be truly backward, truly sick, truly filled with hatred and distrust for all humanity to be able to remorselessly single out regular people, people you don't know who have never done a thing to you, and write their disenfranchisement right into your goddamned constitution. So I donated money in September. So I went and marched down to Columbus Circle yesterday night. So I stuck a ring on my finger and took a picture. Still waiting for the day when what I can do is enough.

Why are all the people I don't want to discuss it with so preoccupied with my vote? I don't mind arguing politics with friends-- if I'm in the mood, I'll go for it, and if not, I'll refuse to be drawn in. But I hate arguing with my mother, so when she asks me who I voted for, what I hear is, "I know you're bisexual and strongly for gay marriage and abortion, so I'd like you to lie to me right now."

I also dislike having to have this conversation with strangers in person. The beauty of being online: I can vigorously exercise my right to click on another goddamn page. So do not pass by with a group of friends at half past ten at night of November 3rd and belligerently (drunkenly?) ask me if I am a Republican or Democrat. It's none of your goddamn business and I will ignore you, sir. But I give you the credit for not repeating the question or chasing me down the damn street.

...However, I am so in favor of people bribing me to vote. Not for a candidate, but this thing about giving me free stuff just to be there and do it? Hell yes. Babeland is still giving away free sex toys until November 11th to voters, and it's great.

Dear Mr. Obama,

I voted for you without trusting you. It was pretty simple to do, as a bitter ex-Libertarian, ex-Objectivist. I'm still busy tearing down the structures of my early worldview, and along the way I've kept my mistrust of that party. That other party across the aisle. Except now, in some respects, they are both that other party to me, and neither is mine. So I watch the politicians of America with a gritted, furious apathy, with an absolute dedication not to care, and certainly not to hope.

I don't expect you not to disappoint me along the way. But I did vote for you, so be brave and be right often enough to make me trust you.

Pauline Arsenault

I owe Lan some memes! There are music memes, so download, motherfuckers. ^_^

( You may notice that some of these tracks are from Dean Gray's American Edit. That's because I rule. )

( Also, a characters and letter meme. )

Finally, I have a mess of Warren Zevon mp3s you need. Lan was doing another music meme, and assigned me Zevon. Don't really know what else she would've given me, really. XD;;

If anyone wants me to give them a band, either make sure you have a few in your interests or give me a list to pick from, please.

---

Comment on this post and I'll give you a band. Don't worry, I'll try to make it one you know and love. You put your ten favorite songs by that band on your LJ and in reply to the comment, challenge others to do the same.

Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner
Mohammed's Radio
Werewolves of London
Play it All Night Long
Lawyers, Guns, and Money
Boom Boom Mancini
Genius
Knockin' on Heaven's Door
I Was in the House When the House Burned Down
Keep Me in Your Heart

---

Also current in Pauline-world, I have finally started reading Loveless, and feel like an idiot for putting it off for so long.

The gate sale went well! I didn't sell everything-- in fact, there was so much stuff to begin with that even by the end of it I had five or six garbage bags full of jewelry boxes, old boardgames, videos, what-have-you. But the main drive was not even to make money so much as to just get rid of things, and in that respect, it was a complete success. Also, I sold an old and slightly grimy child's bike for $5. XD Seriously, this was a fire sale. It was really adorable though, this kid came up to me clutching a five dollar bill and asked me what the price was as though he could not trust the giant, bright red "FIVE DOLLARS" sign hanging off the bike.

All told, I made about $300 for the weekend, which would bring my moving funds to a respectable $700 or so, except for one minor snag. The courts job I was hoping for is completely gone, hiring freeze, no one gets in, no one (I imagine) comes out. (Somebody go save Lan!) So, uh. Guys in PA. If you know of anything, um, help? XD;;

The other thing is that I got my Roth statement today. I've been kind of mentally bracing for it, trying to be completely sanguine about the whole thing, but it's still a bit of a twist to see your investments a whole grand lower than what you put in, nevermind what you'd hoped to earn. I'm just going to keep repeating "long run returns, long run returns, the short run is not your problem" until I feel better.

Now I'm off to clear the cobwebs off my website and pray for a sudden dire shortage of web developers in Philadelphia.

So, I'm trying to move, and trying to do it with less stuff than I have space to put stuff in (somehow), so I'm also trying to put together a gate sale this Sunday. If it doesn't rain. T_T;; I also have anime figures I need to get rid of, to discourage me from collecting anime figures in the future. It's a slippery slope, and god knows CLAMP in 3D-Land isn't helping any. Care to shop? (Linda's got dibs on the FMA and Tsubasa stuff, if she wants it.)

( pictures of the stuff )

Speaking of anime merchandise, I vaguely remember someone saying they wanted a Hitsugaya zanpakuto? I know a site that often sells Bleach swords while trying very hard to pretend they are not Bleach swords; they've got an unlisted Hitsugaya zanpakuto up now. (Yay Star Warrior!) The color's a little off, but it's a whole lot cheaper than other listed ones out there.

The other thing that happened was that Marissa asked me for Muse albums, and Lan asked me for songs that are titled "_____ and _____" and as a result I uploaded a stupid amount of music. You want these Muse albums. Yes, you damn well do.

Muse- 01- Showbiz.zip
Muse- 02- Origin of Symmetry.zip
Muse- 03- Absolution.zip
Muse- 04- Black Holes and Revelations.zip

Muse- Butterflies and Hurricanes
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club- Red Eyes and Tears
Tool- Cold and Ugly
L'Arc~en~Ciel- Lies and Truth
Lacuna Coil- The Ghost Woman and the Hunter
Tommy James and the Shondells- Crimson and Clover
The Grateful Dead- Samson and Delilah
Warren Zevon- Lawyers, Guns, and Money
Salon Music- Our Love and Peace
Feist- Inside and Out
Utena- Rose and Release
Sweeney Todd- Green Finch and Linnet Bird
A Perfect Circle- Weak and Powerless
The Moody Blues- Watching and Waiting
Aerosmith- Round and Round
L'Arc~en~Ciel- Round and Round
David Dondero- The Living and the Dead
Warren Zevon- Dirty Life and Times
Tsubasa Chronicle- Storm and Fire
Elton John- Bennie and the Jets
Janis Joplin- Me and Bobby McGee
Portishead- Acid Jazz and Trip-hop
Robert Miles- One and One

If "I'm seeing someone else" rates as a "very indirect" rejection, then do not ever tell me that monogamy is natural, instinctive, and clearly superior.

They're releasing Silversun Pickups' "Lazy Eye" for Rock Band, and this is basically the one song I could be perfectly happy singing for the rest of my life. But it's going to be part of the setlist for Rock Band 2, so it'll never be downloadable content. T_T;;;;;

(Yes, this is the sort of thing I angst over, why do you ask?)

As far as I'm concerned, so_low started it and I must have it:

Go to my userpics and then pick:
01. Your favorite.
02. Your least favorite.
03. One that makes you automatically think of me.
04. One that you think I should TOTALLY use more often.
05. One that you don't get/needs more explanation/you have no idea why the hell I have it.

I only have fifteen, shouldn't be too hard.